I in a funny mood

[parmenion]

www.ip_anywhere.com sounds like one of those phone jokes bart and lisa simpson are always playing on moe

[DaveC65]

Doublemint Dumb
2009 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin

(5 December 2009, Russia) In a scientific quest with unknown objectives, a student of the Kiev Polytechnic Institute inadvertently performed a chemical experiment on himself with fatal results.
This 25-year-old chemistry student had acquired the peculiar habit of dipping his chewing gum in citric acid crystals while he worked, presumably to add a zesty flavor. He was hunched over at a computer in his parents' house in the northern Ukraine city of Konotop when, whether by intention or inattention, the student dunked his gum into an unidentified chemical and popped it back into his mouth.
A loud pop was heard coming from his room.

Putting aside the question of what he was doing with chemicals at home, the student was well aware of the need to keep chemicals away from food. But there he was, deceased, the lower part of his face blown off. Police found packets of citric acid and a similar-looking substance believed to be an explosive material, and think the student simply confused the packets.
A forensic examination established that the remains of the chewing gum was covered with an unidentified chemical substance believed to be explosive. At the time of the news reports, the local forensics lab did not have the necessary equipment to identify the substance.


Double Dip
2009 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin

(3 June 2009, North Carolina) Greensboro was innundated with four inches of pouring rain in two hours, stranding several cars on flooded roads. Rosanne T., 50, was not deterred. She hopped on her moped and drove to a convenience store where she "possibly had a beer," according to her mother, before deciding to blunder home through the storm. She phoned home to say, "My moped has two rubber wheels, Mom, I'll be fine."
North Carolina does not require a license to own a moped.
Ms. T. had acquired hers two years previously after a DUI conviction.
The Highway Patrol had blocked off several roads that were inundated with water, including Rosanne's path home. But she rode right past the officer and the barriers, lost control of her vehicle, and fell into the swollen creek below. The officer retrieved rope from his vehicle and proceeded to haul her from the water.
He then interviewed the woman, probably inquiring about her motivation for speeding through a roadblock during a flash flood. When the officer returned to his patrol car to call for assistance, Rosanne took the opportunity to escape--by jumping back into the creek!
The officer attempted to rescue her again, but alas, it was too late.
The victim's mother speculated that her daughter's motivation for jumping into a flooded creek was to rescue her drowning moped. "She loved that thing."


Fool's Gold
2009 Darwin Award Nominee

(12 April 2008, Florida) Traffic was moving slowly on southbound I-95. Shawn M. had recently left a Pompano Beach bar, and now he was stuck in traffic. As the saying goes, you don't buy beer--you just rent it, and Shawn couldn't wait another moment to relieve himself. "I need to take a leak," he told his friends.
Traffic was deadlocked, so the waterlogged man climbed out, put his hand on the divider, and jumped over the low concrete wall... only to fall 65 feet to his death. "He probably thought there was a road, but there wasn't," said a Fort Lauderdale police spokesman. The car was idling on an overpass above the railroad lines.
His mother shared her attempt thoughts. "Shawn didn't do a whole lot for a living. He got along on his charm, just like his father."
Though his death was tragic, Shawn's downfall proves the old adage: Look before you leak!


A Shoe In Winner
2009 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin

(15 December 2009, Germany) A U2 subway driver found a body laying besides the underground tracks in Berlin. Because there was no video surveillance camera at that location, it took police two days to reconstruct what had happened. Apparently Yasin A., 22, was alone in the subway car when he decided it would be a brilliant idea to destroy one of the windows. By swinging feet forward from a handrail into the window, he not only managed to burst the glass but also succeeded in being sucked out of the moving train, and was left dead on the tracks. He was alone in the compartment at the time; if an observer had been present in the car, perhaps the young underground rider would not have engaged in destructive nonsense that led to his senseless death.

[kelly]

Lil Johnny walks by his parents room & hears a noise. He opens the door & sees his dad with mom bent over having sex. Dad looks at Johnny, smiles, winks then tells Johnny to leave the room. Not long after dad is walking past Johnnys room & hears a noise. He opens the door to see Johnny with grandma bent over having sex. Lil Johnny looks at dad, smiles, winks & says, "Its not so fuckin funny when its YOUR mum is it?"

[Voyager]

Lil Johnny walks by his parents room & hears a noise. He opens the door & sees his dad with mom bent over having sex. Dad looks at Johnny, smiles, winks then tells Johnny to leave the room. Not long after dad is walking past Johnnys room & hears a noise. He opens the door to see Johnny with grandma bent over having sex. Lil Johnny looks at dad, smiles, winks & says, "Its not so fuckin funny when its YOUR mum is it?"

Like it !

Now how many of the dads have had one of these moments ?

[warren]

http://www.11points.com/Dating-Sex/11_Sexy_Photos_Totally_Ruined_By_People_in_the_Background

The link is self-descriptive.

Lots of other good stuff on that site if you're suffering from laughter-deprivation.

[jimmy]

Anyone else relate to this one?

[Voyager]

Anyone else relate to this one?

Yep, along with "sorry about the stain on the rug in front of the fireplace", "thanks for being away last week but could you PLEASE buy a better bed" and holding back questions like "did she always scream the house down when she orgasms ?"

[DaveC65]

oldie but goody!

Think  before you speak... 



Here  are six reasons why you should think before you  speak -
the last one is great!
Have you  ever spoken and wished that you  could
immediately take the words  back...
or that you could crawl into a  hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few  people who did....


FIRST  TESTIMONY:
I  walked into a hair salon with my husband and  three kids in tow
and asked loudly,
"How  much do you charge for a shampoo and a  bl*w  j0b?"
I  turned around and walked back out and never went  back
My husband didn't say a word...
he  knew better.


SECOND  TESTIMONY:
I was  at the golf store comparing different kinds of  golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's  type I had been using.
After browsing for  several minutes,
I was approached by one of  the good-looking gentlemen who works at the  store.
He asked if he could help  me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and  said, "I think I like playing with mens  balls"

THIRD  TESTIMONY:
My  sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a  store that sold a
variety of candy and  nuts.
As we were looking at the display  case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we  needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just  looking at your nuts."
My sister started to  laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I  turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,  my sister has never let me  forget..


FOURTH  TESTIMONY:
While  in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler  decided to release
some pent-up energy and  ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold  of
her after receiving looks of  disgust
and annoyance from other  patrons.
I told her that if she did not start  behaving
"right now" she would be  punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the  eye and said in a voice just as  threatening,
"If you don't let me go right  now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw  you
kissing Daddy's willy last night!"
The  silence was deafening after this enlightening  exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they  were doing.
I mustered up the last of my  dignity and
walked out of the bank with my  daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when  the door closed behind me, were screams of  laughter.


FIFTH  TESTIMONY:
Have  you ever asked your child a question too many  times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of  problems with potty training and I was on him  constantly.
One day we stopped at McDonalds  for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was  very busy, with a full dining room.
While  enjoying my burger, I smelled something  funny,
so of course I checked my  seven-month-old daughter,   
she was  clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not  asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if  he needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept  thinking
"Oh Lord, that child has had an  accident, and I don't have any clothes with  me."
Then I said,
"Danny,  are you SURE you didn't have an  accident?"
"No,"  he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had  an accident, because the smell was getting  worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny  did you have an accident ? This time he jumped  up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread  his cheeks and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST  FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to  death on their food laughing,
he calmly  pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old  couple made me feel better,
thanking me for  the best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST  BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This  had most of the state of  Michigan in  America laughing for 2 days
and a very  embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in  the future, likely think before she  speaks.
What happens when you predict snow  but don't get any!
We had a female news  anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to  have snowed and didn't,
turned to the  weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8  inches you promised me last night?"
Not only  did he have to leave the set,
but half the  crew did too they were laughing so  hard!

[Admin]

Sandra Bullock says there's no way she's winning an Oscar. Then again, I thought there was no way she and Keanu could slow that freakin' bus down. So I haven't doubted this lady since.

[DaveC65]

that means she's slated to win an Oscar? BTW when's the Awards?

[Admin]

Bullock is about as good a actor as i am, and that not good and the joke she my win the Oscar and the Raspberry award as well for the worst performance of the year.

Oscar`s in March i think Dave

[DaveC65]

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're in my side."